Talking to a close male friend recently (yes I have, no it wasn’t, yes probably) about a theory I have long believed to be true.
That some of us have an inner or maybe an outer hue, a tinged off colour, just a smidge, these are the people that have no trained guilt, no empathy or a very little, a swathe of naughtiness, a glow of indecency, a graze of badness.
I’m not saying that these people are bad, oh no, far from it.
I’m saying they could if they wanted to be, they might be thinking vulgar thoughts as they kiss there mother in laws, or a sneaky wink to the waitress, or lusting over married men.
I can spot them a mile away.
Give me any line up and I can sniff those fuckers out.
As most of the time, that is me and that is my circle of friends.
They are the smokers behind the bike shed, the one taking in the surroundings in bar.
They are the people I love.
I have had some trouble of late, trying to battle my inner/outta darkness, I have tried to think clear and good thoughts, stop to let people cross the road, help a kid with a push up lolly, give money to charity.
But I just don’t think that life, if it’s programmed or destiny does not want me to have an easy ride, it wants me to have an interesting ride and what if making war with yourself is counter productive, what if fighting the wanton demon is the wrong thing to do.
To cover myself I have apologised to people when really they should be grovelling at feet, I have cornered my feelings about various times and relationships and started to expel them, like an exorcism, just to make sure my score card is clear, alright, alright, that can never happen but it’s a start.
Trouble is, I quite like my burnished body armour, I think I’ve been prodded and poked and belittled far more than most in the last 18 month and it’s still there, my rough, spiky, hot to touch bubble is still there, I just need to jazz it up a notch, dust it off and start rocking it like I used to, stop being afraid of your shadow, literally, embrace the minx inside.
I have written about this before, but it just seems like a good analogy, more than that, it really does exist.
Time to start liking it, before the dust, turns to rust, then your fucked.