I haven’t written in a while as my inner monologue had left me, yes I continued to talk to myself, but the other side wasn’t listening and I think it’s because I was boring me the fuck out.
Same moans and neurosis, same whine about ‘luck’ and a lotto win….
I’m still not sure what to write.
Do I write about how I bawled my eyes out as someone didn’t want me, or how I’m pushing someone else away because they do? Or do I write about how people at work can be so odd, it makes me question whether this really is reality or some tragic dream (theirs or mine?)
Do I write about how, how every passing moment I have no idea what is going on, how ‘one foot in front of the other’ is my new mantra…(used to be JFDI, same thing maybe)
Or I could tell you about the walk in the countryside with a ‘friend’ ended up with a roll in a haystack, no, really…… or how a liaison ended up with a cat of nine tails, which I quite liked, or how being rejected has made me see a little hazier, that’s right, not clearer, not clearer at all.
Or I could tell you that yesterday was a major fail, finally got the no go on unrequited love, found a screw in my tyre, and broke a freaking mirror.
Well I guess I just kinda did write about it…..
Today? Today I felt better about, well about a lot, two black cats crossed my path, saw two Magpies and realised that somethings are just designed to happen( bollocks), some things you can’t change, and some things you can.
Today, I have also realised that I have some huge metal issues, HUGE, MASSIVE, and it’s starting to trace through to the ‘normal’ life I project, my crying was over heard by a neighbour, my kids are noticing my drinking and my family are backing off even though I know they don’t want to.
Perhaps I do need to go back on some meds, it just feels like I’m cheating, I’m cheating on the person I am, I’m by passing the feelings and crazy arsed shit, to make myself better for others.
But like I said in my last blog, aren’t we just living for others, as a Mother I know I should be.
I just can’t bring myself to numb someone who feels numb already.
That is a lie, I am not numb, I’m funny as fuck then dry as the Sahara, I’m happy as, as a pig in a bucket of apples? Or work bitch stitching up another mug, then I’m sadder then Pinocchio with Ass ears, or the last greasy sausage roll at Greggs…
It’s tiring trying to keep up with yourself…Will it stop….?
Give me 10 mins and I’ll tell you..Give me 30 and I’ll tell you something different..
Lets see what happens tomorrow, as they do say tomorrow is another day…
In my case another day and another 50 different people……
At least it’s not boring…….