Who knows…

Do we have just too much time to dwell on life in general, or could it be that we have evolved to the point where even if we are mega busy, cleaning, work, out with friends that our subconscious is still over analysing, scrutinising, over thinking all the other aspects of our life, all of the time.

Could that be why we feel the need to understand people, situations, thought processes.

Because ours never stops.

Even in sleep we dream, our mind lassoing talons to the furthermost reaches of our dream state.

This is what makes us human, so beautifully flawed human beings, we test ourselves, our surroundings, the very core that makes us who we are, all the time, now this could be construed as a good thing, it may of helped us, build bigger buildings, sow more crops, have more children BUT our ever expanding thought process is also a bind and a responsibility to ourselves and to others.

How can you tell a piece of hardware, for which or minds truly are, to stop, or at least to slow down as for thousands of years, we have just been asking it to do more, be more, say more.

We can’t, even though now we are at the point within our evolution that we can ease up, we just……can’t.

This is why I think we over think everything, make life hard for ourselves so we can have extra obstacles to climb over like we would have, self punish just so we can fix the fuck ups we make and keep learning (hmm, sometimes, ok not very often).

So, now we medicate, calm our rushing thoughts and restless legs, when really maybe we are meant to be depressed, maybe we are meant to self analyse as it’s just another progression of the human existence.

Or we are all just fucking nuts…..

Who knows…Let me think about it….

 

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Bridges

I am exceptionally good as burning bridges, it’s a skill I have, I think it’s a skill most people have.

Mine has just been cultivated and loved to the point of no return.

I fell in love with the married man, on an emotional plane, his warmth, sense of humour, how his hair flopped over and his beautiful smell.

It has been a very odd journey, not even one kiss, how very odd, how very odd to lust after someone you know you won’t have, and also how fucking annoying.

So instead of thinking it though, working it out and playing the long game – Which would have ended with him in my bed, I buggered it up, I was mean to him, I was mean about his friends, I made myself look like a horrible person. Don’t get me wrong,  I can be a total doushe bag but in general I’m ok.

I did that after all didn’t I. I could have done things I would have hated myself for, oh I could have.

So that area of my life is over, I’m not saying I don’t think about him, I’m just thinking about him differently.

Now we are in the last week of the kids being away and I went out at the weekend, it was hilarious, I as far too drunk, caught my hand in a taxi, kissed not one but two men and did cartwheels and running races…I  cried (I do that a lot, I know), spoke to good people and nearly died of a hangover.

And I feel ok, I feel ready for a change, I feel it, it’s nearly upon me, change literally is a foot, ok so now I’m picturing a large foot just playing hide and seek with me round the house, but yes, I can feel a difference in how my life is going to me.

I had the worse PMT this past two weeks, tears wouldn’t stop, dark thoughts prevailed and I couldn’t eat, missing the children I know and I also slept with my Ex, it was ok, a bit like a warm blanket that you’ve had for ages, I do miss him, I miss him loads, or rather I miss the friendship we had, the togetherness, I do not miss however the feeling that he just left me, that I was once his favourite person, then he decided that I wasn’t anymore.

That’s quite hard to get over.

And trust me, I’m still trying.

I really do have an interesting life, some thrown against me, some I’ve welcomed in but interesting it is.

This week I need boring, dull and comfy and boring.

I have a ‘friend’ popping round later…….So lets wait till then to change my ways……..Hmm…..

 

 

The Click

So, I now have 3 weeks of no children…..

3 fucking weeks, I would like to point out that this is curse as much as a blessing, yes lots of free time but no bloody money to do anything amazingly interesting.

Shocking and painful.

I still have to work, walk the dogs, feed the cats and hoover……..Yawn…….

What else can I do I ask you?

That’s right, I can do that, lots of that….

 

Running and reading, of course.

Oh and I’ve taken on a couple of lovers too, it would be rude not to really and when I say a couple I mean they are just the regular men that I can stand to see more than once and maybe stay over if I’m feeling a little needy (they are also very, very funny, that helps).

I was having a discussion with a girlfriend and a mutual male friend of ours, talking about what is socially acceptable in this day and age, and I think that being promiscuous just might be, saying that I have never seen the fact that I have never been married as a draw back, neither have my children, I do not flaunt my way of thinking into everyone’s faces but I will not apologise for it either.

Why the devil shouldn’t I have multiple lovers, why should I get married and why for the God’s name should I feel guilty about it? That’s right, I won’t.

I don’t introduce them to my children, they do not need another father, we do not need to be taken care of, they are just for me and me alone.

Going back to the lengthy chat, we come up with the fact it’s highly likely that these sort of ‘relationships’ could be stopping me from finding ‘The one’ (Oh please) or they could be emotionally jading my soul without realising? Both could be true.

But should the right man come along, I’ll know, I have had enough longish relationships to know exactly how it feels to click with someone when the time was right, they didn’t work out for one reason or another but I still knew.

Like turning on an emotion, can we all turn them off just as quick? Is that just someone with a disorder can do, or is it everyone?

Could it be learned behaviour….Hmm? I do sometimes wonder if I’m predisposed to have the ability to turn off certain emotions too quickly, I know when I’m meant to be sad about a jilted lover, or when I’m meant to be frustrated etc so instead of really feeling like this, I force it out, I will goad and push others to be extra horrid to me just to feel something.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the people closest to me with a passion so dark it has it would need it’s own planet, but when it comes to men, I really don’t.

Take the married one for instance, from this week I have felt nothing, nothing at all, pity perhaps or a touch annoyed but that’s it, how can I go from one extreme to the other so quickly.

That’s not very right is it. How odd.

So until Mr Fucking Smarty Pants right comes along, I’m going to have a pretty good time, until I get bored of that too…..I guess.