I am exceptionally good as burning bridges, it’s a skill I have, I think it’s a skill most people have.
Mine has just been cultivated and loved to the point of no return.
I fell in love with the married man, on an emotional plane, his warmth, sense of humour, how his hair flopped over and his beautiful smell.
It has been a very odd journey, not even one kiss, how very odd, how very odd to lust after someone you know you won’t have, and also how fucking annoying.
So instead of thinking it though, working it out and playing the long game – Which would have ended with him in my bed, I buggered it up, I was mean to him, I was mean about his friends, I made myself look like a horrible person. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a total doushe bag but in general I’m ok.
I did that after all didn’t I. I could have done things I would have hated myself for, oh I could have.
So that area of my life is over, I’m not saying I don’t think about him, I’m just thinking about him differently.
Now we are in the last week of the kids being away and I went out at the weekend, it was hilarious, I as far too drunk, caught my hand in a taxi, kissed not one but two men and did cartwheels and running races…I cried (I do that a lot, I know), spoke to good people and nearly died of a hangover.
And I feel ok, I feel ready for a change, I feel it, it’s nearly upon me, change literally is a foot, ok so now I’m picturing a large foot just playing hide and seek with me round the house, but yes, I can feel a difference in how my life is going to me.
I had the worse PMT this past two weeks, tears wouldn’t stop, dark thoughts prevailed and I couldn’t eat, missing the children I know and I also slept with my Ex, it was ok, a bit like a warm blanket that you’ve had for ages, I do miss him, I miss him loads, or rather I miss the friendship we had, the togetherness, I do not miss however the feeling that he just left me, that I was once his favourite person, then he decided that I wasn’t anymore.
That’s quite hard to get over.
And trust me, I’m still trying.
I really do have an interesting life, some thrown against me, some I’ve welcomed in but interesting it is.
This week I need boring, dull and comfy and boring.
I have a ‘friend’ popping round later…….So lets wait till then to change my ways……..Hmm…..