A Little Respect….

This weekend was a weekend of nothingness, no plans except to buy trainers for the boys and take one said boy to football.

I say this was a weekend of nothingness, but it was a weekend of pondering, thinking, analysing and soul searching.

I didn’t plan for it to be like that, it just happened.

I think the catalyst was one of my best friends turning round and telling me she had slept with one of my male best friends, now I don’t or shouldn’t have a problem with this, it was I that introduced the two, I knew it would happen.

My male best friend has slept with 3 of my friends now, 3. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that his sexual frustration and need is closely woven into our friendship, I can not tell you the amount of times where I’ve had to skirt round topics and made my body language super defensive so he  didn’t go in for the kiss.

He would love to have a relationship with me, I know this (I’m not being big headed, he just would) and I don’t want to. I like our friendship, I would rather he settled down and found a nice girl, he did and it didn’t work out. (he sort of did and yes he sort of kept trying).

The fact they slept together does not bother me, what bothered me was that they thought it would be better to keep it a secret…..Why? Why would their thought process come up with the fact I would care, I care now, because they thought I would, so if they thought I would be bothered they did it anyway.

Sounds daft, but what if I had been bothered, what is this had upset me, 2 of my closest friends would have done something that could have made me upset.

OK so I’m being anally retentive, but THAT bothered me.

So it got me thinking, does anyone really care if they do something to upset me, am I so hard nosed that people feel they can do anything?

I think yes, I think my laid back easy attitude (most of the time) has done me an injustice.

I don’t command respect, I don’t know how, how can you get others to respect you when you’re not sure what respect even is.

Do I even want it? Do I need it? Do I care?

Yes, yes, yes, I would be lying if I said I didn’t. So, how does one find this? Shall I go trawling the streets with a fish net like the peeps searching for Pokemon? Shall I start burning my bras and protesting against stuff.

Or shall I just women the fuck up. If something annoys me, speak out, if someone cuts me up in my car, beep the sodding horn, if people in my life are toxic, get rid?

Yes, yes and yes.

So that’s what I’m planning on doing, I’m going to be stronger, be harder and be more respectful to myself.

I guess you have to start somewhere right.

And it starts here.

 

Words of unwisdom 

So, in the last post I touched upon the idea that our Mothers might mold the people we become.

I have been mulling over this, thinking I was shifting blame, or trying to justify the way we are with people.

And I’m pretty sure I’m right. With both.

I remember clearly being about 13, I know I must of been about that age as I was tubby and had a pixie hair cut. (why did you let me cut my hair…Saying that I would have cut it myself anyway) 13 year old, a misfit, too sharp and not clever enough, got dragged into the loo with my Mother, she peed and said to me ‘*******”just make sure you always get your end off first” I had no idea what she was talking about….At that time…

Now my Mothers moto, is and always has been, “I will not give advise, if you ask for it” So, I’m pretty sure I didn’t ask for it so it must have be worth taking note for.

And I did, when I was old enough, I got it, in so many ways, I don’t let cars go first if I can, I don’t put my dogs on the lead when I should, I never apologise unless I REALLY have to (or I do and it’s a lie and we both know it) and the last one….I always get my end away first, always. It is a good piece of advice for women, perhaps not for a 13 year old gamine…outcast…But still…….

Has this one moment in my Mothers drunken ramblings changed the course of how I see life.

I think yes.

Do I drink and smoke too much because she did? Did the strong willed, clever, warm, stupidly intelligent women indent in how I am.

I think yes.

So the real question is, in some of my drunken states, what the fuck have I said to the kids?!?

There is one thing I have ingrained into them…

With great beauty, whether it be body or mind or spirit, as we are all beautiful in our own ways, comes great responsibility, to yourself and to others.

(I do wish I listened to my own bullshit).

Everything we do and people we emotionally touch have a bitterfly effect, and no that’s not a typo, just being, is making a change, and living, sometimes to hard and too brash, can pass on a prod to someone else, we should try and be mindful of our actions (try, but rarely to succeed) make what we say and do a staged grace. We can’t though, as we are at the end of the day animals, we try and we we fail and we will fuck things and people up, it’s almost too poetic really.

So what will your words of wisdom be?

Never eat yellow snow…Can’t go wrong with that….

Suffer the children.

I am a terrible dater.

False, I am a very good dater, I can hold a conversation with nearly anyone, male or female, I can flirt my way to high heaven with gentle persuasion, I know exactly how to move subjects to my own liking and can use my body to influence peoples reactions.

That’s the easy bit. What I can not do it keep my knickers on, that and maintain being nice after.

It’s just all a bit easy, I find men, too easy.

I don’t respect them afterwards, sounds daft yes, but completely true.

Take Plenty of Fish for example, joined on Friday, too many messages and way too many ‘Would like to meet’ it just feels too easy, almost like I could be anyone and they would say yes, do men say yes to every woman? Is there no longer the thrill of a bit of chase……?

Now the women reading this will hate me for saying this……But…..

I have two sons, both coming up to the age where they are expressing an interest in the opposite sex, and I couldn’t help saying….”Don’t ever play it too nice, be nice but not too nice”

Hmm, ok so maybe this is why the world of dating is what it is because of mothers like me, however it’s the truth.

I want an equal footing, I don’t want to be pandered to, harassed, over messaged and over loved.

On the same note, I don’t want to be unloved, no messages and to do all the chasing as that is just so boring, finding the equilibrium is what is driving me to being an arsehole, a pain in the arse, arsehole. Now I would like to say it’s just because I’m picky but that’s totally not the case.

It’s taken years of systematic wrong turns and tilted avenues to bring me here, I allowed men to change how I perceive myself, and in turn how I perceive them. Maybe we should all blame the mothers, sons and daughters alike for the wrong doings towards others as well as taking the blame ourselves, for are we just a mirror of warped situations and glimpses of shadows of people we have allowed to touch our souls, whether we wanted them to or not.

I don’t have to date, I don’t need to have a man around but I do like male company, sometimes, this weekend I have the choice of multiple men to go to dinner with, have drinks with, even to just have sex with and I can’t be bothered. I’m just not that bothered.

The thrill of meeting a fella that you like is good, but shopping for them on the internet is really quite disturbing.

Perhaps I should ask my Mother to arrange a marriage for me……As she has to take some of the blame….

Surely…..

 

 

 

The Morning After.

I dated a man for a while, had high hopes, he seemed quite nice, a bit rough round the edges, but come on, tell me a women who doesn’t quite like a nibble of that….

Tattoos, a nice face, plays football, wrote no instead of know…Yes…I know…….But I was willing to overlook such small trivial things.

The night came for him to stay over, had an amazing night, we didn’t stop laughing, food was good, sex was pretty fine for a first time, us together, not us in general…Of course…

But in the morning, I froze, I couldn’t look him in the eye, I was mumbling and a bit rude and couldn’t wait for him to leave….So when he did leave, I burst into tears, why in God’s name did I start to cry….

Absolutely no idea, I was grumpy, nasty to people, short and sarcastic to strangers, a fucking right bitch, even now as I write about it I can not see what changed for me to change in my self, but something did, was I scared to open up, was I mentally shoving up more barriers then one could possibly imagine? Am I not ready to allow myself to be happy.

All of the above I fear, all of the above.

I can’t continue saying ‘If the right person comes along then it will all be different, I’ll be different, I’ll let them in and become a better version of who I am’

Because it’s not true, I’m just not built to have anyone else in my mind space when I have multiple people in there already, I don’t share it would seem, and neither do they.

This does not help me on the quest to find a nice boyfriend, shall I change the quest to finding the nice me instead, perhaps that’s what I need to do? Get suited up with silver armour, flame throwers and a crossbow and tackle my own inner quest for personal knowledge.

Not a bad shout that.

So we are still single, and for now I’m happy with that, I’m just not ready, I know that I would do no relationship justice, no justice at all.

So for now I shall fight for justice for me, that challenge is a mission on it’s own.