I dated a man for a while, had high hopes, he seemed quite nice, a bit rough round the edges, but come on, tell me a women who doesn’t quite like a nibble of that….
Tattoos, a nice face, plays football, wrote no instead of know…Yes…I know…….But I was willing to overlook such small trivial things.
The night came for him to stay over, had an amazing night, we didn’t stop laughing, food was good, sex was pretty fine for a first time, us together, not us in general…Of course…
But in the morning, I froze, I couldn’t look him in the eye, I was mumbling and a bit rude and couldn’t wait for him to leave….So when he did leave, I burst into tears, why in God’s name did I start to cry….
Absolutely no idea, I was grumpy, nasty to people, short and sarcastic to strangers, a fucking right bitch, even now as I write about it I can not see what changed for me to change in my self, but something did, was I scared to open up, was I mentally shoving up more barriers then one could possibly imagine? Am I not ready to allow myself to be happy.
All of the above I fear, all of the above.
I can’t continue saying ‘If the right person comes along then it will all be different, I’ll be different, I’ll let them in and become a better version of who I am’
Because it’s not true, I’m just not built to have anyone else in my mind space when I have multiple people in there already, I don’t share it would seem, and neither do they.
This does not help me on the quest to find a nice boyfriend, shall I change the quest to finding the nice me instead, perhaps that’s what I need to do? Get suited up with silver armour, flame throwers and a crossbow and tackle my own inner quest for personal knowledge.
Not a bad shout that.
So we are still single, and for now I’m happy with that, I’m just not ready, I know that I would do no relationship justice, no justice at all.
So for now I shall fight for justice for me, that challenge is a mission on it’s own.