This weekend was a weekend of nothingness, no plans except to buy trainers for the boys and take one said boy to football.
I say this was a weekend of nothingness, but it was a weekend of pondering, thinking, analysing and soul searching.
I didn’t plan for it to be like that, it just happened.
I think the catalyst was one of my best friends turning round and telling me she had slept with one of my male best friends, now I don’t or shouldn’t have a problem with this, it was I that introduced the two, I knew it would happen.
My male best friend has slept with 3 of my friends now, 3. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that his sexual frustration and need is closely woven into our friendship, I can not tell you the amount of times where I’ve had to skirt round topics and made my body language super defensive so he didn’t go in for the kiss.
He would love to have a relationship with me, I know this (I’m not being big headed, he just would) and I don’t want to. I like our friendship, I would rather he settled down and found a nice girl, he did and it didn’t work out. (he sort of did and yes he sort of kept trying).
The fact they slept together does not bother me, what bothered me was that they thought it would be better to keep it a secret…..Why? Why would their thought process come up with the fact I would care, I care now, because they thought I would, so if they thought I would be bothered they did it anyway.
Sounds daft, but what if I had been bothered, what is this had upset me, 2 of my closest friends would have done something that could have made me upset.
OK so I’m being anally retentive, but THAT bothered me.
So it got me thinking, does anyone really care if they do something to upset me, am I so hard nosed that people feel they can do anything?
I think yes, I think my laid back easy attitude (most of the time) has done me an injustice.
I don’t command respect, I don’t know how, how can you get others to respect you when you’re not sure what respect even is.
Do I even want it? Do I need it? Do I care?
Yes, yes, yes, I would be lying if I said I didn’t. So, how does one find this? Shall I go trawling the streets with a fish net like the peeps searching for Pokemon? Shall I start burning my bras and protesting against stuff.
Or shall I just women the fuck up. If something annoys me, speak out, if someone cuts me up in my car, beep the sodding horn, if people in my life are toxic, get rid?
Yes, yes and yes.
So that’s what I’m planning on doing, I’m going to be stronger, be harder and be more respectful to myself.
I guess you have to start somewhere right.
And it starts here.