Suffer the children.

I am a terrible dater.

False, I am a very good dater, I can hold a conversation with nearly anyone, male or female, I can flirt my way to high heaven with gentle persuasion, I know exactly how to move subjects to my own liking and can use my body to influence peoples reactions.

That’s the easy bit. What I can not do it keep my knickers on, that and maintain being nice after.

It’s just all a bit easy, I find men, too easy.

I don’t respect them afterwards, sounds daft yes, but completely true.

Take Plenty of Fish for example, joined on Friday, too many messages and way too many ‘Would like to meet’ it just feels too easy, almost like I could be anyone and they would say yes, do men say yes to every woman? Is there no longer the thrill of a bit of chase……?

Now the women reading this will hate me for saying this……But…..

I have two sons, both coming up to the age where they are expressing an interest in the opposite sex, and I couldn’t help saying….”Don’t ever play it too nice, be nice but not too nice”

Hmm, ok so maybe this is why the world of dating is what it is because of mothers like me, however it’s the truth.

I want an equal footing, I don’t want to be pandered to, harassed, over messaged and over loved.

On the same note, I don’t want to be unloved, no messages and to do all the chasing as that is just so boring, finding the equilibrium is what is driving me to being an arsehole, a pain in the arse, arsehole. Now I would like to say it’s just because I’m picky but that’s totally not the case.

It’s taken years of systematic wrong turns and tilted avenues to bring me here, I allowed men to change how I perceive myself, and in turn how I perceive them. Maybe we should all blame the mothers, sons and daughters alike for the wrong doings towards others as well as taking the blame ourselves, for are we just a mirror of warped situations and glimpses of shadows of people we have allowed to touch our souls, whether we wanted them to or not.

I don’t have to date, I don’t need to have a man around but I do like male company, sometimes, this weekend I have the choice of multiple men to go to dinner with, have drinks with, even to just have sex with and I can’t be bothered. I’m just not that bothered.

The thrill of meeting a fella that you like is good, but shopping for them on the internet is really quite disturbing.

Perhaps I should ask my Mother to arrange a marriage for me……As she has to take some of the blame….

Surely…..

 

 

 

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The Morning After.

I dated a man for a while, had high hopes, he seemed quite nice, a bit rough round the edges, but come on, tell me a women who doesn’t quite like a nibble of that….

Tattoos, a nice face, plays football, wrote no instead of know…Yes…I know…….But I was willing to overlook such small trivial things.

The night came for him to stay over, had an amazing night, we didn’t stop laughing, food was good, sex was pretty fine for a first time, us together, not us in general…Of course…

But in the morning, I froze, I couldn’t look him in the eye, I was mumbling and a bit rude and couldn’t wait for him to leave….So when he did leave, I burst into tears, why in God’s name did I start to cry….

Absolutely no idea, I was grumpy, nasty to people, short and sarcastic to strangers, a fucking right bitch, even now as I write about it I can not see what changed for me to change in my self, but something did, was I scared to open up, was I mentally shoving up more barriers then one could possibly imagine? Am I not ready to allow myself to be happy.

All of the above I fear, all of the above.

I can’t continue saying ‘If the right person comes along then it will all be different, I’ll be different, I’ll let them in and become a better version of who I am’

Because it’s not true, I’m just not built to have anyone else in my mind space when I have multiple people in there already, I don’t share it would seem, and neither do they.

This does not help me on the quest to find a nice boyfriend, shall I change the quest to finding the nice me instead, perhaps that’s what I need to do? Get suited up with silver armour, flame throwers and a crossbow and tackle my own inner quest for personal knowledge.

Not a bad shout that.

So we are still single, and for now I’m happy with that, I’m just not ready, I know that I would do no relationship justice, no justice at all.

So for now I shall fight for justice for me, that challenge is a mission on it’s own.

 

 

 

Bridges

I am exceptionally good as burning bridges, it’s a skill I have, I think it’s a skill most people have.

Mine has just been cultivated and loved to the point of no return.

I fell in love with the married man, on an emotional plane, his warmth, sense of humour, how his hair flopped over and his beautiful smell.

It has been a very odd journey, not even one kiss, how very odd, how very odd to lust after someone you know you won’t have, and also how fucking annoying.

So instead of thinking it though, working it out and playing the long game – Which would have ended with him in my bed, I buggered it up, I was mean to him, I was mean about his friends, I made myself look like a horrible person. Don’t get me wrong,  I can be a total doushe bag but in general I’m ok.

I did that after all didn’t I. I could have done things I would have hated myself for, oh I could have.

So that area of my life is over, I’m not saying I don’t think about him, I’m just thinking about him differently.

Now we are in the last week of the kids being away and I went out at the weekend, it was hilarious, I as far too drunk, caught my hand in a taxi, kissed not one but two men and did cartwheels and running races…I  cried (I do that a lot, I know), spoke to good people and nearly died of a hangover.

And I feel ok, I feel ready for a change, I feel it, it’s nearly upon me, change literally is a foot, ok so now I’m picturing a large foot just playing hide and seek with me round the house, but yes, I can feel a difference in how my life is going to me.

I had the worse PMT this past two weeks, tears wouldn’t stop, dark thoughts prevailed and I couldn’t eat, missing the children I know and I also slept with my Ex, it was ok, a bit like a warm blanket that you’ve had for ages, I do miss him, I miss him loads, or rather I miss the friendship we had, the togetherness, I do not miss however the feeling that he just left me, that I was once his favourite person, then he decided that I wasn’t anymore.

That’s quite hard to get over.

And trust me, I’m still trying.

I really do have an interesting life, some thrown against me, some I’ve welcomed in but interesting it is.

This week I need boring, dull and comfy and boring.

I have a ‘friend’ popping round later…….So lets wait till then to change my ways……..Hmm…..

 

 

The Click

So, I now have 3 weeks of no children…..

3 fucking weeks, I would like to point out that this is curse as much as a blessing, yes lots of free time but no bloody money to do anything amazingly interesting.

Shocking and painful.

I still have to work, walk the dogs, feed the cats and hoover……..Yawn…….

What else can I do I ask you?

That’s right, I can do that, lots of that….

 

Running and reading, of course.

Oh and I’ve taken on a couple of lovers too, it would be rude not to really and when I say a couple I mean they are just the regular men that I can stand to see more than once and maybe stay over if I’m feeling a little needy (they are also very, very funny, that helps).

I was having a discussion with a girlfriend and a mutual male friend of ours, talking about what is socially acceptable in this day and age, and I think that being promiscuous just might be, saying that I have never seen the fact that I have never been married as a draw back, neither have my children, I do not flaunt my way of thinking into everyone’s faces but I will not apologise for it either.

Why the devil shouldn’t I have multiple lovers, why should I get married and why for the God’s name should I feel guilty about it? That’s right, I won’t.

I don’t introduce them to my children, they do not need another father, we do not need to be taken care of, they are just for me and me alone.

Going back to the lengthy chat, we come up with the fact it’s highly likely that these sort of ‘relationships’ could be stopping me from finding ‘The one’ (Oh please) or they could be emotionally jading my soul without realising? Both could be true.

But should the right man come along, I’ll know, I have had enough longish relationships to know exactly how it feels to click with someone when the time was right, they didn’t work out for one reason or another but I still knew.

Like turning on an emotion, can we all turn them off just as quick? Is that just someone with a disorder can do, or is it everyone?

Could it be learned behaviour….Hmm? I do sometimes wonder if I’m predisposed to have the ability to turn off certain emotions too quickly, I know when I’m meant to be sad about a jilted lover, or when I’m meant to be frustrated etc so instead of really feeling like this, I force it out, I will goad and push others to be extra horrid to me just to feel something.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the people closest to me with a passion so dark it has it would need it’s own planet, but when it comes to men, I really don’t.

Take the married one for instance, from this week I have felt nothing, nothing at all, pity perhaps or a touch annoyed but that’s it, how can I go from one extreme to the other so quickly.

That’s not very right is it. How odd.

So until Mr Fucking Smarty Pants right comes along, I’m going to have a pretty good time, until I get bored of that too…..I guess.

 

 

Inner Monologue..s

I haven’t written in a while as my inner monologue had left me, yes I continued to talk to myself, but the other side wasn’t listening and I think it’s because I was boring me the fuck out.

Same moans and neurosis, same whine about ‘luck’ and a lotto win….

I’m still not sure what to write.

Do I write about how I bawled my eyes out as someone didn’t want me, or how I’m pushing someone else away because they do? Or do I write about how people at work can be so odd, it makes me question whether this really is reality or some tragic dream (theirs or mine?)

Do I write about how, how every passing moment I have no idea what is going on, how ‘one foot in front of the other’ is my new mantra…(used to be JFDI, same thing maybe)

Could do.

Or I could tell you about the walk in the countryside with a ‘friend’ ended up with a roll in a haystack, no, really…… or how a liaison ended up with a cat of nine tails, which I quite liked, or how being rejected has made me see a little hazier, that’s right, not clearer, not clearer at all.

Or I could tell you that yesterday was a major fail, finally got the no go on unrequited love, found a screw in my tyre, and broke a freaking mirror.

Well I guess I just kinda did write about it…..

Today? Today I felt better about, well about a lot, two black cats crossed my path, saw two Magpies and realised that somethings are just designed to happen( bollocks), some things you can’t change, and some things you can.

Today, I have also realised that I have some huge metal issues, HUGE, MASSIVE, and it’s starting to trace through to the ‘normal’ life I project, my crying was over heard by a neighbour, my kids are noticing my drinking and my family are backing off even though I know they don’t want to.

Perhaps I do need to go back on some meds, it just feels like I’m cheating, I’m cheating on the person I am, I’m by passing the feelings and crazy arsed shit, to make myself better for others.

But like I said in my last blog, aren’t we just living for others, as a Mother I know I should be.

I just can’t bring myself to numb someone who feels numb already.

That is a lie, I am not numb, I’m funny as fuck then dry as the Sahara, I’m happy as, as a pig in a bucket of apples? Or work bitch stitching up another mug, then I’m sadder then Pinocchio with Ass ears, or the last greasy sausage roll at Greggs…

It’s tiring trying to keep up with yourself…Will it stop….?

Give me 10  mins and I’ll tell you..Give me 30 and I’ll tell you something different..

Lets see what happens tomorrow, as they do say tomorrow is another day…

In my case another day and another 50 different people……

At least it’s not boring…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Covet

I have always not wanted to covet but covet non the less the lives I see other people having.

The over large smiles, the good hair, the BBQ’s in the sun, the groups of pretty girls and their adoring boyfriends.

I know full well that scrolling through Facestalker is evil, that you are only seeing what other people are allowing themselves to project.

I still want it though…..I think……

We all want that feeling of belonging, of having a nice easy time, of enjoy the simple things in life…

Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, I do enjoy the simple things, I do have a feeling of belonging, I also want to feel more.

More of everything, I can’t help it, have 5 drinks, nope…I have to have 10, eat one packet of crisps, nope, I have to have 3, have sex once, nope I want it again straight after.

Could this be down to my misspent youth?

 

It’s likely, having said that, my eldest brother is the same, always questioning, always wanting something to happen but can’t quite bring himself to do anything about it, he suffers from mental health issues also, he’s too bloody clever, his mind never stops, unless he’s past out, and trust me after an evening or two with him it can get very intense so you inch the bottle of wine just that petite amount closer to his glass…I know…

So yesterday, I tried, I tried to be like the people on social media, I mowed the grass, washed up, cleaned up, sorted clothes, did shit like that, took kids and dogs on a walk and took pictures knowing I was going to post these, tell people about all I have done that day, and do you know what..?

I kinda worked, I did feel a bit better, alright the no booze and the sunshine probably helped but it was like I wanted other people to think I was a better person, so I almost became that better person….Is this what Facestalker and Twitter etc can do, is it like the modern day keeping up with the Jones or making yourself and your life seem better so you can natter about things at the village fete, whateves, the people already doing this might be onto something.

It wont be long however till I will revolt, stick it to the man and say fuck you arseholes, I’m not playing today.

But for now, I’ll see how this plays out.

Right I’m off to take pictures of myself pretending to work hard…..Oh come on, it’s a start……

Backwards

There is just too much time to dwell and too much time to worry and too much time to mentally take running jumps at emotional flagellation.

Myself and two friends, all of us single, semi attractive and not at all stupid have come to the same conclusion that things are not what or how they should be.

There is so much pressure to feel ok that it is literally sending us nuts.

It’s making us ill, it’s making us anxious, it’s making us fail, when we aren’t even in the race to begin with.

If we don’t mow the lawn, or hoover or scrub the fucking bathroom, it’s a fail.

If we don’t finish all our work before we should, it’s a fail.

If we don’t not drink and give into a glass or 17 of wine, it’s a fail.

If we don’t have a boyfriend, yep, it’s a fail.

Pressure, pressure, pressure all the sodding time, life is changing so swiftly and resoundingly that it is scary, how do you keep up? Can we keep up? Do we really want to keep up?

It’s now got to the point where we are almost at the point of losing our shit, and for what?

Yes of course we know that we have it lucky, that there are people out in the world having a worse time, rape, murder, famine, you name it, they are having it.

All in proportion however, the blog is called First World Shit after all…….

Something needs to change within our mind set and fast, little jobs that I used to do now take days, no inclination to do anything, we are starting to go backwards…….It doesn’t matter how many talking to’s you give yourself it’s not working!

It could be that the nation is feeling fed up and it’s rubbing off, being bombarded with news of death and destruction and social media telling us to do this, think that, post this, post that.

The only thing I can think that might save us is winning the lotto, buying some land and building a fucking commune, that sounds like an ideal plan, no phones, no dread of what is too come, just simple stuff like cooking, feeding pigs and shit like that.

Something has to give, I just hope it’s not our sense of self or peace of mind (which we have already vacated it would seem).

Perhaps a friends pow wow is in order, shout at the sky for a bit, run around for no reason and laugh like kids…..Forget the rest of the world for a while, take our thoughts back to where they should be.

I wish I knew how to make us feel more like us and less us hollowed shelled.

It’s not mean’t to be like this….We aren’t meant to feel like this…….

Does everyone feel like this?

Jesus, it’s only Tuesday……….

Role on the fucking weekend……